The Fantastic Beasts series continues to have a central problem: this is no longer a story even faintly connected to Newt Scamander (with the exception that they have forced his character into it) and yet they are stuck with the title. The result is an annoying mashup between what could have been a more adult telling of a wizarding war and a mild-mannered Ace Ventura's wacky adventures. And the most annoying part about that is that either of these premises would have worked infinitely better as a seperate entity!

Give me the timeline where we were given a series of Indiana Jones style adventures, starring Eddie Redmayne as the likeable but socially awkward Scamander, trekking the globe in search of fantastical creatures and ultimately getting himself caught up in secret societies, local politics, etc. etc.

And in this timeline, let there be an entire Wizarding Universe, with a second series called something like the Secrets of Dumbledore, focusing on a young Albus Dumbledore and his lover-turned-enemy, Grindelwald. A timeline where Mads Mikkelsen was cast immediately to play alongside a Jude Law that can settle on an accent for longer than a single scene, where the focus is their passionate belief in one another being torn apart by their opposing ethical viewpoints. Make it nuanced, and emotional, and more than a little gay.

I want that timeline. The timeline where these two completely seperate ideas weren't arbitrarily mashed together so that they could bank on a recognisable (barely) book title. Because in that universe we might have some Potterverse films that are actually coherent and interesting.

But alas, here we are in our chimeric universe (and not just because of the onscreen creatures) where we have to forfeit character development (or even introductions) in order to fit in some admittedly very funny sequence where Newt rescues his brother from prison by proving that his hips can lie and do so extremely convincingly 😂 A universe where we have a brilliant piece of (I believe) original creature design with a bird that uses a helium sack for vertical lift-off and then deflates itno two broad wings (I loved this transition, so cleverly done) that gets about two minutes of screen time and is never mentioned again, because the main focus is an international war that appears to be happening without any clear inciting instance.

Which isn't to say that this is a terrible film. I love the casting; I think the action is stunningly crafted; the creatures are all fascinating; and I actually really enjoyed the whole "how do you defeat an enemy that can see the future" twisting plotline, including the final showdown. It's just that none of the plot threads gets enough room to breath, let alone develop, and it results in a jumbled mess of good ideas that is more than a little frustrating. And isn't it oh-so useful how every dangerous situation Newt gets into somehow involves another creature. (Also, I get that Jacob has kinda proven his ability to keep their secret, but did I miss some moment where he was pardoned? Isn't he still liable to be arrested in the US for simply knowing the wizarding world exists? And what was up with the whole "I'm a Dumbledore" plotline that fizzled out to nothing..?)

Good ideas, poor execution, but better than the previous attempt.